From There to Here

Stephen Colbert for President?

I mean, come on.

I was looking at a site that has odds on who will win the ‘08 presidential election, and there’s odds for most candidates who I know, and then some I don’t. And if I don’t know them, that’s saying something.

I clearly know guys like Duncan Hunter, Chuck Hagel, Ron Paul and Connecticut’s own Chris Dodd. These guys are all between 60/1 and 100/1 to become president. Then there’s three — two of which I’ve never heard of and one which is implausable.

Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey 700/1
Stephen Colbert (as Stephen Colbert) 800/1
Vermin Supreme 800/1

Time for some research (or you can click their names to go to their wikipedia page, becuase, obviously, that’s the best resource for information on the Internet). For Vermin, however, there’s no wikipedia page! So you get a Boston Globe Magazine profile. Live with it. (How is someone going to be president if they don’t even have a wikipedia page???)

First Sharkey, who’s a member of the “Vampires, Witches and Pagans Party” or VWP. Um, ok. Let’s hear more? Wikipedia?

Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey (born 1964-04-02 in Elizabeth, New Jersey as John Albert Sharkey) is a self-proclaimed satanist, “sanguinary vampyre”, Hecate Witch and professional boxer as well as wrestler (under the name Rocky “Hurricane” Flash) and perennial candidate for public office.

He has filed with the Federal Election Commission to run for President of the United States twice as an Independent candidate (in 2004[1] and in 2008[2]) and for Congress in at least three states — his home State of New Jersey (1999-2000, Republican)[3], Indiana (Reform Party, 2000)[4] and Florida (2001-02, Republican)[5]. In 2006, he ran for governor of Minnesota.

It is difficult to pin down definitive facts relating to Sharkey, partly because of his numerous aliases, but also due to his authorship, over time, of many autobiographical websites which have included conflicting and unsubstantiated assertions of fact. A Federal judge in Indiana has remarked about Sharkey that “his view of reality and attendant behavior is nothing less than bizarre.”[6] Sharkey claims that this was because Sharkey had previously “cursed out” the same judge.[7]

That’s enough, you can check it for more.

And for Vermin?

Vermin Supreme, a 43-year-old activist and street-theater performer, swaggers toward Faneuil Hall to take on the Democratic groupies. Inside the building on this November night, eight presidential candidates will debate live on CNN. Vermin Supreme plans to stay outside, where the TV trucks splash spotlights onto the cobblestones. A tribe of John Kerry people wave blue signs and scream in unison: “Ker-REEE, Ker-REEE.” Many wear that mob-zombie expression on their faces, the glassy look of people who have been yelling one word for so long that it has turned into nonsense.

Vermin Supreme pushes his way toward the Kerry-ites. A few of them have to hop backward in order to avoid the pointy wingtips of the eagle lashed to his torso. He hoists his megaphone, conferring upon himself the electronic voice of authority. “Where does John Kerry stand on mandatory tooth brushing?” he demands. “Is he soft on plaque?” A few college kids break off to listen to the tirade. You can see it in their faces; suddenly, they’re no longer members of the Kerry gang. They’re just their ordinary selves again, exchanging glances with one another: Who is this guy?

As he passes through the crowd, Supreme spreads that kind of puzzlement. He has spent years figuring out how to transform a group-thinking throng back into a bunch of individuals. This is his art form.

Ok, well, you can read the rest if you want. But that’s more than enough for me. These guys don’t even have the worst odds. The person with the absolute worst odds is Jackson Kirk Grimes, who’s 900/1. He’s also a member of the United Fascist Union party, something that I bet won’t play well with the general public… call me crazy.

The good news for all of us? The odds for the field are 50/1. That means, out of all the people I’ve mentioned here, I have the best chance to be President of the United States in 2008. Rock on.